Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
