I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
