I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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