Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
