Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
