I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
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when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
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It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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