"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
