I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
