this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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