batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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