im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently you make a good broom.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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