The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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