I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
