i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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