party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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