mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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