Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
