So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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