Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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