is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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