Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
