so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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