Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Couch. On fire.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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