I smell stomach acid.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
PANTIES FOUND
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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