I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
bring money and cleavage
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
