Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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