I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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