ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
