WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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