Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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