have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So many bounce houses so little time
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's rum buckets o'clock
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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