He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
