people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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