You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
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it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.