Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
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His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.