Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's rum buckets o'clock
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.