there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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