Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
