Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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