i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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