so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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