tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
