"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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