how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
