At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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