The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
