My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
