I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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