i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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