how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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