Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
