Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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