Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize