It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We just shotgunned beers for America
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
