you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't deserve a penis
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
