did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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